So, I've gotten in to quite a spot. I've been careless with my smile and my charms. As I write that I cringe by how egotistical it sounds, but I couldn't speak more of the truth. Wherever I go in public I'm hit on or watched by this man or that. It doesn't matter if I have my son with me or if this guy is with another woman. Trust me....I still notice their glances.
Are men hardwired to want someone who smiles or someone with confidence? I don't understand. They're such simple creatures at the best of times and I thought I had them worked out. With this new dilemma I'm back at square one. I don't even know what I want anymore. I feel old in my soul and beyond games. I wish I could be so innocent and naive again. I truly once thought in baring all of my soul and love will find a way. I even did it once. Boy did that sting. Before HIM I only dated off and on for a couple of weeks at a time knowing I'd know love when I found it. And you know I hate to admit this but I think I was wrong. (Don't ever ask me to repeat that because I won't.) I don't think I'll know love when I find it. It's probably going to hit me like a ton of bricks and I'll fight it the whole way down until it tangles me up in limbs and kisses. So deep in this quagmire I'll fall that I'll never get out and never want to. Until then I will deal with this mess I'm in now.
I have an ex husband who loves me with a passion because I have been the only love in his life. It isn't fair he was never exposed to a mother who would care for him, take care of him, and love him. I took that place and now he feels I am the one. I can list a whole score of men who either want to have sex with me beyond comprehension or date me. Either way I'm just wishing for something that I can't quite grasp. I don't know what I want. I would have told you definitively 2 years ago I could never have had an intimate relationship with a man without being in a real relationship first. Now I feel as if I've locked that girl away in a cell of her own dreams and I keep myself as much a mystery as I expose. How did this happen and how can I go back? This tough confidence I wear like a cloak. It swirls seductively around me but I'd rather be in a meadow picking flowers. I'd rather be squealing excitedly over a cute animal than taunting a man about his prowess in bed.
There is a part of me that watches these two worlds battle it out for dominance inside. This is the old soul that creaks as I smile and waits for the right event to bring the world out right. This is the side of me that knows what I want, what I will become, and can analyze situations to determine who should be the victor in this battle of characters within me. Should I be the silly, laughing Jessie who charms the world? Or should I be the cold, sexy Jessica who can bring a man to his knees...literally and figuratively?
Perhaps both?
Wish you the best 'girl'. I hope somewhere in between your naivete and sexiness... you find and fill the most latent voids of your yearning heart.
ReplyDeleteIf when and where are your questions.... I wish TIME will/can answer.
If how and who are the questions... I wish your heart will guide you.
If what and how come are your questions... I wish your wisdom will lead you.
Experience says, naive smile and innocent confidence are something we can only carry until we use them objectively. Once the naivete is lost, dont you think the slippery slope of mundane existence is that far behind?
Best wishes and warm regards.
I suppose you're right. I have chosen to be me. That quintessential part of myself that only my soul can be joined with. It is as if I wanted to try and build that cold shell to stop pain from seeping through, but then what is life without pain? Where can pleasure come in if I do not allow myself to first want that pleasure?
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