Haiku Moment

At the risk of looking like a blog freak I created some Haiku (definition to follow) tonight and had no better place to put them than here, so here it shall go.Well a Haiku, for those who don't know, is a typical Japanese verse written about nature with a particular meter to it. The American Haiku has somewhat bastardized this, which is what us Americans are good at, and created the Haiku that doesn't necessarily have to be about nature, is written in a similar meter (three lines of 5, 7, 5 syllables respectively), and it is written as 3 distinct, parallel lines instead of straight across like the traditional version. Well, I couldn't remember any of the old poems I had created so I came up with one on the spot:

"My world stands still now
There is flight beneath my wings
Life waits on a breath"

I like simple and to me Haiku say so much using so few words.

"The leaves twirl slowly
From the boughs, a graceful fall
To death they descend"


"Fighting for my soul
Locked in the highest tower
Surrender to win"


"The trill of laughter
Modesty's blush of color
all love in pure form"


"Forsaken my thoughts
Turned away from all logic
Hope is all I have"


"Your breath moves the wind
The sun warmed from your smile
Your hands mold my world"


"A giggle is sweet
give me a smile my dear
and have your reward"


"Where the light can see
So my body will reveal
a hunger for you"


"You run so smoothly
immerse me within your depths
cooling to my skin"

Dedicated to Home Skillet, my BFF Jill

In my friend, I find a second self. ~Isabel Norton

I dare you to find a love as I have found. In this world there are all kinds of love and all kinds of relationships. What I have found is a love that will stand the test of time. It isn't Earth shattering, matter of fact it is quite comfortable. It is not all-consuming and it is not certainly going to be the kind of a relationship I will share with a man but it is love. I’m, of course, referring to my relationship with my best friend, Courtney or Court for short.

What can I say about her…..well, a lot actually. I can tell you her thoughts, her moods, her hopes and her dreams. I won’t always get it correct but I’ll get dang close. It doesn’t mean I won’t get on her nerves and she won’t get on mine. It definitely doesn’t mean that we don’t need our space, but that is something we can respect about each other. We can respect each other’s needs and value our differences.

This post came about because I introduced Court to someone and they expressed their wish to be loved by me as much as I loved her. I realized that I do love her and I find it hard to love a man. I couldn’t believe this has happened. What can she provide that men cannot? Why did I allow her in my heart when it is so hard to let in a male? When we were first starting out as friend it was so easy. We could laugh and joke about the bourgeois girls in our lit class. I remember our stifled laughs in the back when apparently cutting off a woman’s finger is the female equivalent of male castration. (I could certainly see the argument now though.)

Next we moved to being roommates and that was a disaster. She can’t stand that I tend to be chaotic and I couldn’t stand how she can be passive aggressive sometimes. Instead of our friendship coming to an end I embraced her for who she was and I bent to fit that part of her in my life….just as she bends for me a bit.

Now? Let’s just say yesterday we were driving down the road nearly in tears because I had just verbally abused her at a traffic light (loud enough for the car next door to hear) and she held up a scribbled note saying “HELP ME”. To some this isn’t funny but it is just hilarious to us. You have to see us in person. We’re like our own one-act show. I don’t think I could ever be this silly with a man, but I’m willing to try. I’m willing to have a guy and me go through the initial “rough period” where we misunderstand everything but keep coming back because we like the good times too much. Then we will reach this comfortable, “knowing” stage where my quirky self and his adventurous side will keep things interesting. It’s an exciting concept that I may be lucky enough to have two loves in my life. (Not counting the youngest love….he is a different story altogether.)

Oh, and for Court: “no skittles” :D

Take Pride in Your Humility

"With people of only moderate ability modesty is mere honesty; but with those who possess great talent it is hypocrisy." ~Arthur Schopenhauer

If we view humility as hypocrisy because we know of our achievements and we know the value of what we’ve done then that leads to arrogance and self-love. Too soon our thoughts of ourselves and our accomplishments make us smile and have excessive pride, which is called hubris. When you love yourself you are blinded by your own self-importance. There can be no room for love of anyone or anything else. You cannot see those around you for you have placed yourself above everyone. It will get lonely. When you believe yourself the giant so that others may stand on your shoulders then where will you stand (Based on Isaac Newton quote)? The giant is truly a conglomeration of ideas and theories from many great minds in history. Our ideas are all based on the ideas of others. It is called inspiration and genius cannot be created without it.

If we steadfastly refuse to value our achievements and become overly humble what does that say about ourselves? That we feel no worth for what we do? There is value in every soul so much so that we are all precious. Every mortal being has potential for greatness and servitude. In that way then we all should have confidence in our efforts and accomplishments. There are even those who put in more effort and will accomplish more. What about the man who cures cancer, saves the world, and kisses kittens? Should he be indecently modest? Should he take no pride in his hard work?

I feel that you should temper pride with prudence, confidence with humility, and victory with modesty. When a man has achieved great he should always ask “how could this have been done better” and “I would not have been able to do anything without these people”. Only then can he appreciate his work and value it for what it is but understand that he is not perfect and that others were vital to his goal. Now some may say that they do not feel their accomplishments are much of a source of pride so there is no reason to be humble. I ask another question “who decides the value of our actions?” Is it ourselves who choose or the affects our actions have on others? I prefer the latter. Our perceptions are always skewed and we contain an unfair bias in ourselves that makes us blind to even the littlest of achievements. It is this innocent modesty that is truly valuable. It is definitely admirable to realize your achievements and be able to suppress your inner pride and focus on external factors that led to that achievement. It is greater, however, to not even attribute the achievement as your success but yet another great event that all contributed to and could have failed but was successful instead.

And for those who strive for greatness but fall short…..”“The greatest humiliation in life, is to work hard on something from which you expect great appreciation, and then fail to get it” (Howe). This is the boat I find myself in. I have never been brought so fully back in myself than I have now. I will admit that I had become arrogant in a way. This subtle confidence crept up on me and not until I was brought to the bottom did I realize how far I fell. Now I simply accept my faults and errors and will gather the remains around me like a cloak as a symbol of my humility. I will wear it eagerly so that I might never forget where I come from and where I must go…..and how far the mighty may fall.

“I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.”

~Gandhi

A quagmire not THE quagmire

So, I've gotten in to quite a spot. I've been careless with my smile and my charms. As I write that I cringe by how egotistical it sounds, but I couldn't speak more of the truth. Wherever I go in public I'm hit on or watched by this man or that. It doesn't matter if I have my son with me or if this guy is with another woman. Trust me....I still notice their glances.

Are men hardwired to want someone who smiles or someone with confidence? I don't understand. They're such simple creatures at the best of times and I thought I had them worked out. With this new dilemma I'm back at square one. I don't even know what I want anymore. I feel old in my soul and beyond games. I wish I could be so innocent and naive again. I truly once thought in baring all of my soul and love will find a way. I even did it once. Boy did that sting. Before HIM I only dated off and on for a couple of weeks at a time knowing I'd know love when I found it. And you know I hate to admit this but I think I was wrong. (Don't ever ask me to repeat that because I won't.) I don't think I'll know love when I find it. It's probably going to hit me like a ton of bricks and I'll fight it the whole way down until it tangles me up in limbs and kisses. So deep in this quagmire I'll fall that I'll never get out and never want to. Until then I will deal with this mess I'm in now.

I have an ex husband who loves me with a passion because I have been the only love in his life. It isn't fair he was never exposed to a mother who would care for him, take care of him, and love him. I took that place and now he feels I am the one. I can list a whole score of men who either want to have sex with me beyond comprehension or date me. Either way I'm just wishing for something that I can't quite grasp. I don't know what I want. I would have told you definitively 2 years ago I could never have had an intimate relationship with a man without being in a real relationship first. Now I feel as if I've locked that girl away in a cell of her own dreams and I keep myself as much a mystery as I expose. How did this happen and how can I go back? This tough confidence I wear like a cloak. It swirls seductively around me but I'd rather be in a meadow picking flowers. I'd rather be squealing excitedly over a cute animal than taunting a man about his prowess in bed.

There is a part of me that watches these two worlds battle it out for dominance inside. This is the old soul that creaks as I smile and waits for the right event to bring the world out right. This is the side of me that knows what I want, what I will become, and can analyze situations to determine who should be the victor in this battle of characters within me. Should I be the silly, laughing Jessie who charms the world? Or should I be the cold, sexy Jessica who can bring a man to his knees...literally and figuratively?

Perhaps both?