The Awkward Silence

Have you ever been on a first date and when you ran out of something to say you just "sat" there? Then one of you picks up your phone and pretends to be doing something of great importance when all they're really doing is scrolling through their apps?

Well, I just witnessed this situation from an outsiders perspective. As I sit here at IHOP I'm thinking it's the perfect opportunity to spread out and grade papers. What I didn't realize is I have the perfect opportunity to observe relationships around me. There is an older couple at the table in front of me and I've listened to this woman talk the WHOLE time. I don't even know if this guy can speak English....he just grunts. I know all about her life though. She's lived in Nigeria and Russia. She's been in the service and she's an avid Christian who passes out Bibles to random folk because "that is how [she] got saved". She's also not going to get married until she gets her Masters in whatever and believes there is too much food on her plate. She is the classic case of a woman making all the wrong moves. I hear her mistakes and cringe. It isn't that I think I am better than her with men because really, who am I?, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have done the same things as she did.

First she railed about her religion. NEVER do this! You know when people say never talk about religion and politics it is typically true. I am capable of talking with people about it because I have this unique way of having them talk about their opinion and discussing that instead of giving my viewpoint and arguing with them.....unless I'm primed for a good verbal sparring. (Aahh....to find an intellectual that would be willing to pit their whits against mine would be grand.)

Second as a woman you should NEVER make a big deal about the food. It's fine if you are worried about your weight and appearance, but do not order a salad and a quesidella and complain about how much food it is and "is their bacon in there?!" That's calling attention to you, food, and eating, which is what you don't want. Just eat. Word of advice ladies "guys eat too!" It's called sustenance for a reason....it sustains us!

Now there were a lot of mistakes she made. The most important is she talked 99% of the time. Now I know if you feel the conversation lulling you will naturally want to fill in the silence but that is wrong. What people don't understand is silence is golden and on a first date if you can have a comfortable silence then your set up for the second date. How to achieve that comfortable level is simple. Either you get each other laughing and you need to take time to calm down or your smile is going to kill you OR you finish with a topic. Now don't freak out! If your wondering "but Jessica, if I finish with a topic what do I say?" then you're normal. It takes practice to round out a conversation, so let me give you an example of a bad conversation and what I would do so one or both of you won't feel the need to pick up that phone.

Guy: (starting a topic for something to say) So what do you do?
Girl: I teach preschool. You?
Guy: Oh, cool. I'm an architect. My father was one so I just jumped on the bandwagon.
Girl: Yeah, my mom was a nurse so I got my caring for kids from her. What does your mom do?
Guy: She's an author. She's had a few books published.
Girl: Oh cool. (Conversation is going down at this point because the girl is not playing smart.) So, does she still write? What does she write?
Guy: Mainly she helps write textbooks now but before she wrote a lot of science fiction.
Girl: Anything I would know? (Bad question!)
Guy: Not really unless you're really in to science fiction.
Girl: Oh cool......
Topic about what everyone's profession is about done unless she wants to start going down the family tree. It isn't very interesting and she didn't play it smart. Here is how I would do it.

Guy: So what do you do?
Me: Well I teach. (Notice the brief answer.....it's on purpose)
Guy: What do you teach?
Me: It depends on the day. Sometimes I teach vocabulary like "feasible", sometimes I teach manners, and at other times I'm trying to instill values. However, I'm certified to teach math.
Guy: (Some joke about kids these days like....) I could not be a teacher! Kids these days. What age?
Me: Well, they seem to be about 6 but their birth certificates put them around 14 - 18. I teach high school.
Guy: Wow!
Me: Yeah, I felt that I could do all the bad things in the world that I wanted because I pay penance for it when I go to work.
*both chuckle*
Me: It's really not that bad. It's more of a love/hate relationship that has me stressed out beyond my limits but then I realize I have their futures in my hands and I get happy again.

Ok, I'm sure you get the idea by now. This conversation could go on forever and I haven't even touched on what he does and yet the conversation isn't just me talking. I just so happen to be the topic of conversation. So, when a guy says something about my life that I feel we've talked about me enough I'll flip it on him by saying something like "there are more interesting things in the world than teaching I promise. Like sky diving, camels and I'm sure what you do". Then instead of having to ask the expected question of what he does I've mixed up. And now he'll either say he does have an interesting job and explain or he doesn't and still explain.

Now the lull in conversation will only come when food comes and then we'll be comfortable and ready to eat. It won't be we have to make awkward conversation about our food or keep talking around mouthfuls. It's just casual comments here and there and eating. Yum. Then food is over and back to conversation. I suppose I should give some advice to how to start a conversation once you're not on a thread of one or it has been interrupted by eating. Well, give an anecdote that relates to the situation. Something that is happening or happened since you met this guy that reminds you of another time or story. Or you can make something that has happened in to a story. Like say "did you know your ear goes up and down randomly as you talk? It's quite noticeable." but smile while you say things like this and follow up with "it's cute" because they'll feel like you're being critical.

Anyway, this has gotten WAY too long so....

Our Souls *dark sinister music*

The other day I was having a delicious conversation with someone about Jainism, which led in to a conversation about our souls. Now the whole premise of my argument was, and still is, based on Plato's Tripartite Soul. Anyone who knows me well enough has heard me mention this theory. Even those who don't know me have heard me mention it. It's probably because it's one of the more interesting ideas that one of those old dead guys came up with.

Well, to give a general idea about the whole theory it basically says that our souls are divided up in to three parts: the appetitive part, spirited part, and reason. The appetites are our desires and wants. This part of the soul is more directly related to the body and its needs (e.g. hunger, thirst, comfort, sexual gratification). The spirited part is our emotions. What we say comes from our "heart" fall in this category (e.g. courage, pride, love, hate). Then there is reason. This is all the intellectual ideas and reasoning done, which of course is thought to be housed in the brain.

So, to go back: Jainism is the philosophy or religion that you should deny all desires, wants, needs for the pursuit of a higher understanding. They are big on pacifism and discipline. In this conversation I also mentioned the Stoics, who were big on denying emotion and feeling for the pursuit of a higher understanding.

My argument stated that instead of going to the extremes to deny one part of the soul or the other (like in Jainism and Stoicism), why don't we temper each part of the soul but let reason rule (or make final decisions)? For example, when you fall in love....feel that love. Enjoy it! But certainly don't lose your head over it. Feelings change and love is beautiful, but it is meant to be enjoyed. Too many turn love in to an obsession that soon becomes just a huge stress in their life.

Or how about hunger.... There are many who eat just for the sake of eating. They do it because it tastes good, but later it hurts them in ways concerning their health. So, enjoy your food, but in moderation. Let reason say "this is enough, let's stop now and we can have more later".

Well, this of course was Plato's original argument in the Republic but later he warned that we should disconnect ourselves from Appetite and the Spirited part, which I wrote a rather lengthy paper on back in college. If they are a part of our souls then they are a part of us. It is true that when we die we lose our body and therefore, perhaps, the appetitive part of our soul dies or becomes obsolete (depending on your religious views), but I still feel that our soul will remain intact because our souls are what make us who we are. They are our spark. I can't see the point in trying to deny that which is ourselves.