The Wind and the Woman

Once upon a time in a world far beyond this one there lived a beautiful, young woman. She was full of pure magic and the sun rested within her heart at night so that it could shine bright the next day. Her laughter was a beautiful sound and it carried on the wind to anyone and everything. Her laughter was magic too. It brought a smile to anyone's lips who heard it.

One day while walking in a field the woman saw a dark spot on the horizon.
It was a haunting and scary cave. The girl being who she was bravely set out for her new adventure to explore this desolate place. As she approached a chill crept up her spine at the sudden cold breath that emanated from the mouth of the cave. Her step faltered...but then a voice called, "come in my child".

She wrapped her love around her like a warm cloak and daringly entered the cave. "Who is there?" she called to the vast empty darkness. And then a scurry from the corner led her eyes to a crumpled, old woman. This woman was hunched over low embers with a leer in her eyes.

The crone cackled with laughter that did not make the woman smile as her laughter did for others. This laugh was maniacal and made you want to run. It was high-pitched and cold. There was no warmth, no smile, and her eyes stayed dull. She scooted around her useless embers that surely provided no heat and scuttled closer to the beautiful woman.

"OOhh....you have come to me finally. I have conjured this moment in my mind so many times my dear."

Aghast that the witch had known she would come the beautiful woman stepped back. Faster than thought the witch lashed out and grabbed her hand.

"You can't leave yet. You must hear your fate." And with an unforeseen strength the witch led the beautiful woman towards the red coals.

"Have a seat my child and I shall tell you."

With barely a whisper of a smile the beautiful woman sat and cradled her arms around her for the illusion of any warmth. She was silent and meditative and thought of the warm sun when it slept in her heart at night. These thoughts warmed her just a little from the inside and gave her the courage to speak.

"How do you know me? What of my fate?"

The weak light by their feet formed deep shadows in the lines of her face as the crone whispered, "You shall not find what you seek. There is no hope. Love is lost for you for there is no way to keep it. Your happiness will fade and so will you."

Silence fell and a tear formed in the woman's eye. This crone spoke truth. She had felt the stirrings of this nightmare long before but her love and happiness thus far had kept it at bay.

The woman shrieked in glee and jumped up as sprightly as if she was decades younger. "I shall not have to suffer your laughter and goodness any longer! The world will be dark and I shall be able to snuff out all light forever. No one will smile again and nightmares shall reign"

With her cackling madly behind her the beautiful woman rushed out with a cry. She must find her happiness. She must find the one thing that could save the love of the world.

Time passed and wandering through the world the woman started to become hopeless. She wanted to fight but she couldn't. The sun no longer resided in her heart at night. She could not house such a bright and cheerful thing there anymore. It was becoming weaker and weaker in the sky and the world no longer laughed. She did not smile. She did not love. She did not laugh. There was nothing for the wind to carry to the hearts of man.

The girl suddenly stopped in the middle of a field. Trees were off in the distance swaying mournfully and she realized that the wind is what helped her make the world happy. The wind swirled around her and whipped the tears from her cheeks. Flowers floated around her and it made a smile pop to her lips. All the flowers from the field blurred her vision in a swirl of color as she was engulfed in the smell of nature. A giggle forced its way from her lips.
The wind stopped the flower's dance and picked up water from a nearby pond. It splashed the girl and stunned her that the wind, her dear friend, was here to play. It made her laugh and throw her arms out to engulf such wonderfulness. The world heard the echo of her laugh and brightened just a bit.

She knew she had found what she had been looking for. It had been there the whole time. But now she was sad again. She found her love and her happiness. She found the one thing that could help her brighten the world and make everyone happy, but she could not hold the wind. She could not carry it with her and make sure it never left. She knew of a magic spell that could trap her with the wind, but being trapped was torture for such free spirits such as herself and the wind. She could not do it.

A gentle breeze caressed her cheek. She leaned her head in to the caress and smiled. There was comfort in her friend's touch. She could not see the wind, but she knew it was there and would always be there. It must roam the world, but it always be there with her. The wind threw her hair back and lifted her arms. She closed her eyes at the sensation of flying and her feet then truly left the ground. She was soaring threw the air. It was a wonderful feeling. Never afraid
that her dear friend would drop her she saw the dark cave of the old crone in the distance.

As they approached she felt happiness such that she had never known before. Setting her gently by the mouth of the cave the wind and the woman walked confidently side by side into the depths. As the wind whistled through the cracks and crevices inside an echo formed that called, "This is my love. I am happy to bring her brightness to the world. I am constant and will not falter. Where there is laughter there is hope for love. Where she is so shall I be."

And then the voice was gone with the woman. She had soared out with the wind to give the sun a rest so that it might shine brightly the next day. The crone was driven back to the furthest reaches of the cave where her coldness still lies today in wait for the moment when love has no hope and the world will fall to darkness.

Haiku Moment

At the risk of looking like a blog freak I created some Haiku (definition to follow) tonight and had no better place to put them than here, so here it shall go.Well a Haiku, for those who don't know, is a typical Japanese verse written about nature with a particular meter to it. The American Haiku has somewhat bastardized this, which is what us Americans are good at, and created the Haiku that doesn't necessarily have to be about nature, is written in a similar meter (three lines of 5, 7, 5 syllables respectively), and it is written as 3 distinct, parallel lines instead of straight across like the traditional version. Well, I couldn't remember any of the old poems I had created so I came up with one on the spot:

"My world stands still now
There is flight beneath my wings
Life waits on a breath"

I like simple and to me Haiku say so much using so few words.

"The leaves twirl slowly
From the boughs, a graceful fall
To death they descend"


"Fighting for my soul
Locked in the highest tower
Surrender to win"


"The trill of laughter
Modesty's blush of color
all love in pure form"


"Forsaken my thoughts
Turned away from all logic
Hope is all I have"


"Your breath moves the wind
The sun warmed from your smile
Your hands mold my world"


"A giggle is sweet
give me a smile my dear
and have your reward"


"Where the light can see
So my body will reveal
a hunger for you"


"You run so smoothly
immerse me within your depths
cooling to my skin"

Dedicated to Home Skillet, my BFF Jill

In my friend, I find a second self. ~Isabel Norton

I dare you to find a love as I have found. In this world there are all kinds of love and all kinds of relationships. What I have found is a love that will stand the test of time. It isn't Earth shattering, matter of fact it is quite comfortable. It is not all-consuming and it is not certainly going to be the kind of a relationship I will share with a man but it is love. I’m, of course, referring to my relationship with my best friend, Courtney or Court for short.

What can I say about her…..well, a lot actually. I can tell you her thoughts, her moods, her hopes and her dreams. I won’t always get it correct but I’ll get dang close. It doesn’t mean I won’t get on her nerves and she won’t get on mine. It definitely doesn’t mean that we don’t need our space, but that is something we can respect about each other. We can respect each other’s needs and value our differences.

This post came about because I introduced Court to someone and they expressed their wish to be loved by me as much as I loved her. I realized that I do love her and I find it hard to love a man. I couldn’t believe this has happened. What can she provide that men cannot? Why did I allow her in my heart when it is so hard to let in a male? When we were first starting out as friend it was so easy. We could laugh and joke about the bourgeois girls in our lit class. I remember our stifled laughs in the back when apparently cutting off a woman’s finger is the female equivalent of male castration. (I could certainly see the argument now though.)

Next we moved to being roommates and that was a disaster. She can’t stand that I tend to be chaotic and I couldn’t stand how she can be passive aggressive sometimes. Instead of our friendship coming to an end I embraced her for who she was and I bent to fit that part of her in my life….just as she bends for me a bit.

Now? Let’s just say yesterday we were driving down the road nearly in tears because I had just verbally abused her at a traffic light (loud enough for the car next door to hear) and she held up a scribbled note saying “HELP ME”. To some this isn’t funny but it is just hilarious to us. You have to see us in person. We’re like our own one-act show. I don’t think I could ever be this silly with a man, but I’m willing to try. I’m willing to have a guy and me go through the initial “rough period” where we misunderstand everything but keep coming back because we like the good times too much. Then we will reach this comfortable, “knowing” stage where my quirky self and his adventurous side will keep things interesting. It’s an exciting concept that I may be lucky enough to have two loves in my life. (Not counting the youngest love….he is a different story altogether.)

Oh, and for Court: “no skittles” :D

Take Pride in Your Humility

"With people of only moderate ability modesty is mere honesty; but with those who possess great talent it is hypocrisy." ~Arthur Schopenhauer

If we view humility as hypocrisy because we know of our achievements and we know the value of what we’ve done then that leads to arrogance and self-love. Too soon our thoughts of ourselves and our accomplishments make us smile and have excessive pride, which is called hubris. When you love yourself you are blinded by your own self-importance. There can be no room for love of anyone or anything else. You cannot see those around you for you have placed yourself above everyone. It will get lonely. When you believe yourself the giant so that others may stand on your shoulders then where will you stand (Based on Isaac Newton quote)? The giant is truly a conglomeration of ideas and theories from many great minds in history. Our ideas are all based on the ideas of others. It is called inspiration and genius cannot be created without it.

If we steadfastly refuse to value our achievements and become overly humble what does that say about ourselves? That we feel no worth for what we do? There is value in every soul so much so that we are all precious. Every mortal being has potential for greatness and servitude. In that way then we all should have confidence in our efforts and accomplishments. There are even those who put in more effort and will accomplish more. What about the man who cures cancer, saves the world, and kisses kittens? Should he be indecently modest? Should he take no pride in his hard work?

I feel that you should temper pride with prudence, confidence with humility, and victory with modesty. When a man has achieved great he should always ask “how could this have been done better” and “I would not have been able to do anything without these people”. Only then can he appreciate his work and value it for what it is but understand that he is not perfect and that others were vital to his goal. Now some may say that they do not feel their accomplishments are much of a source of pride so there is no reason to be humble. I ask another question “who decides the value of our actions?” Is it ourselves who choose or the affects our actions have on others? I prefer the latter. Our perceptions are always skewed and we contain an unfair bias in ourselves that makes us blind to even the littlest of achievements. It is this innocent modesty that is truly valuable. It is definitely admirable to realize your achievements and be able to suppress your inner pride and focus on external factors that led to that achievement. It is greater, however, to not even attribute the achievement as your success but yet another great event that all contributed to and could have failed but was successful instead.

And for those who strive for greatness but fall short…..”“The greatest humiliation in life, is to work hard on something from which you expect great appreciation, and then fail to get it” (Howe). This is the boat I find myself in. I have never been brought so fully back in myself than I have now. I will admit that I had become arrogant in a way. This subtle confidence crept up on me and not until I was brought to the bottom did I realize how far I fell. Now I simply accept my faults and errors and will gather the remains around me like a cloak as a symbol of my humility. I will wear it eagerly so that I might never forget where I come from and where I must go…..and how far the mighty may fall.

“I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.”

~Gandhi

A quagmire not THE quagmire

So, I've gotten in to quite a spot. I've been careless with my smile and my charms. As I write that I cringe by how egotistical it sounds, but I couldn't speak more of the truth. Wherever I go in public I'm hit on or watched by this man or that. It doesn't matter if I have my son with me or if this guy is with another woman. Trust me....I still notice their glances.

Are men hardwired to want someone who smiles or someone with confidence? I don't understand. They're such simple creatures at the best of times and I thought I had them worked out. With this new dilemma I'm back at square one. I don't even know what I want anymore. I feel old in my soul and beyond games. I wish I could be so innocent and naive again. I truly once thought in baring all of my soul and love will find a way. I even did it once. Boy did that sting. Before HIM I only dated off and on for a couple of weeks at a time knowing I'd know love when I found it. And you know I hate to admit this but I think I was wrong. (Don't ever ask me to repeat that because I won't.) I don't think I'll know love when I find it. It's probably going to hit me like a ton of bricks and I'll fight it the whole way down until it tangles me up in limbs and kisses. So deep in this quagmire I'll fall that I'll never get out and never want to. Until then I will deal with this mess I'm in now.

I have an ex husband who loves me with a passion because I have been the only love in his life. It isn't fair he was never exposed to a mother who would care for him, take care of him, and love him. I took that place and now he feels I am the one. I can list a whole score of men who either want to have sex with me beyond comprehension or date me. Either way I'm just wishing for something that I can't quite grasp. I don't know what I want. I would have told you definitively 2 years ago I could never have had an intimate relationship with a man without being in a real relationship first. Now I feel as if I've locked that girl away in a cell of her own dreams and I keep myself as much a mystery as I expose. How did this happen and how can I go back? This tough confidence I wear like a cloak. It swirls seductively around me but I'd rather be in a meadow picking flowers. I'd rather be squealing excitedly over a cute animal than taunting a man about his prowess in bed.

There is a part of me that watches these two worlds battle it out for dominance inside. This is the old soul that creaks as I smile and waits for the right event to bring the world out right. This is the side of me that knows what I want, what I will become, and can analyze situations to determine who should be the victor in this battle of characters within me. Should I be the silly, laughing Jessie who charms the world? Or should I be the cold, sexy Jessica who can bring a man to his knees...literally and figuratively?

Perhaps both?

The Awkward Silence

Have you ever been on a first date and when you ran out of something to say you just "sat" there? Then one of you picks up your phone and pretends to be doing something of great importance when all they're really doing is scrolling through their apps?

Well, I just witnessed this situation from an outsiders perspective. As I sit here at IHOP I'm thinking it's the perfect opportunity to spread out and grade papers. What I didn't realize is I have the perfect opportunity to observe relationships around me. There is an older couple at the table in front of me and I've listened to this woman talk the WHOLE time. I don't even know if this guy can speak English....he just grunts. I know all about her life though. She's lived in Nigeria and Russia. She's been in the service and she's an avid Christian who passes out Bibles to random folk because "that is how [she] got saved". She's also not going to get married until she gets her Masters in whatever and believes there is too much food on her plate. She is the classic case of a woman making all the wrong moves. I hear her mistakes and cringe. It isn't that I think I am better than her with men because really, who am I?, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have done the same things as she did.

First she railed about her religion. NEVER do this! You know when people say never talk about religion and politics it is typically true. I am capable of talking with people about it because I have this unique way of having them talk about their opinion and discussing that instead of giving my viewpoint and arguing with them.....unless I'm primed for a good verbal sparring. (Aahh....to find an intellectual that would be willing to pit their whits against mine would be grand.)

Second as a woman you should NEVER make a big deal about the food. It's fine if you are worried about your weight and appearance, but do not order a salad and a quesidella and complain about how much food it is and "is their bacon in there?!" That's calling attention to you, food, and eating, which is what you don't want. Just eat. Word of advice ladies "guys eat too!" It's called sustenance for a reason....it sustains us!

Now there were a lot of mistakes she made. The most important is she talked 99% of the time. Now I know if you feel the conversation lulling you will naturally want to fill in the silence but that is wrong. What people don't understand is silence is golden and on a first date if you can have a comfortable silence then your set up for the second date. How to achieve that comfortable level is simple. Either you get each other laughing and you need to take time to calm down or your smile is going to kill you OR you finish with a topic. Now don't freak out! If your wondering "but Jessica, if I finish with a topic what do I say?" then you're normal. It takes practice to round out a conversation, so let me give you an example of a bad conversation and what I would do so one or both of you won't feel the need to pick up that phone.

Guy: (starting a topic for something to say) So what do you do?
Girl: I teach preschool. You?
Guy: Oh, cool. I'm an architect. My father was one so I just jumped on the bandwagon.
Girl: Yeah, my mom was a nurse so I got my caring for kids from her. What does your mom do?
Guy: She's an author. She's had a few books published.
Girl: Oh cool. (Conversation is going down at this point because the girl is not playing smart.) So, does she still write? What does she write?
Guy: Mainly she helps write textbooks now but before she wrote a lot of science fiction.
Girl: Anything I would know? (Bad question!)
Guy: Not really unless you're really in to science fiction.
Girl: Oh cool......
Topic about what everyone's profession is about done unless she wants to start going down the family tree. It isn't very interesting and she didn't play it smart. Here is how I would do it.

Guy: So what do you do?
Me: Well I teach. (Notice the brief answer.....it's on purpose)
Guy: What do you teach?
Me: It depends on the day. Sometimes I teach vocabulary like "feasible", sometimes I teach manners, and at other times I'm trying to instill values. However, I'm certified to teach math.
Guy: (Some joke about kids these days like....) I could not be a teacher! Kids these days. What age?
Me: Well, they seem to be about 6 but their birth certificates put them around 14 - 18. I teach high school.
Guy: Wow!
Me: Yeah, I felt that I could do all the bad things in the world that I wanted because I pay penance for it when I go to work.
*both chuckle*
Me: It's really not that bad. It's more of a love/hate relationship that has me stressed out beyond my limits but then I realize I have their futures in my hands and I get happy again.

Ok, I'm sure you get the idea by now. This conversation could go on forever and I haven't even touched on what he does and yet the conversation isn't just me talking. I just so happen to be the topic of conversation. So, when a guy says something about my life that I feel we've talked about me enough I'll flip it on him by saying something like "there are more interesting things in the world than teaching I promise. Like sky diving, camels and I'm sure what you do". Then instead of having to ask the expected question of what he does I've mixed up. And now he'll either say he does have an interesting job and explain or he doesn't and still explain.

Now the lull in conversation will only come when food comes and then we'll be comfortable and ready to eat. It won't be we have to make awkward conversation about our food or keep talking around mouthfuls. It's just casual comments here and there and eating. Yum. Then food is over and back to conversation. I suppose I should give some advice to how to start a conversation once you're not on a thread of one or it has been interrupted by eating. Well, give an anecdote that relates to the situation. Something that is happening or happened since you met this guy that reminds you of another time or story. Or you can make something that has happened in to a story. Like say "did you know your ear goes up and down randomly as you talk? It's quite noticeable." but smile while you say things like this and follow up with "it's cute" because they'll feel like you're being critical.

Anyway, this has gotten WAY too long so....

Our Souls *dark sinister music*

The other day I was having a delicious conversation with someone about Jainism, which led in to a conversation about our souls. Now the whole premise of my argument was, and still is, based on Plato's Tripartite Soul. Anyone who knows me well enough has heard me mention this theory. Even those who don't know me have heard me mention it. It's probably because it's one of the more interesting ideas that one of those old dead guys came up with.

Well, to give a general idea about the whole theory it basically says that our souls are divided up in to three parts: the appetitive part, spirited part, and reason. The appetites are our desires and wants. This part of the soul is more directly related to the body and its needs (e.g. hunger, thirst, comfort, sexual gratification). The spirited part is our emotions. What we say comes from our "heart" fall in this category (e.g. courage, pride, love, hate). Then there is reason. This is all the intellectual ideas and reasoning done, which of course is thought to be housed in the brain.

So, to go back: Jainism is the philosophy or religion that you should deny all desires, wants, needs for the pursuit of a higher understanding. They are big on pacifism and discipline. In this conversation I also mentioned the Stoics, who were big on denying emotion and feeling for the pursuit of a higher understanding.

My argument stated that instead of going to the extremes to deny one part of the soul or the other (like in Jainism and Stoicism), why don't we temper each part of the soul but let reason rule (or make final decisions)? For example, when you fall in love....feel that love. Enjoy it! But certainly don't lose your head over it. Feelings change and love is beautiful, but it is meant to be enjoyed. Too many turn love in to an obsession that soon becomes just a huge stress in their life.

Or how about hunger.... There are many who eat just for the sake of eating. They do it because it tastes good, but later it hurts them in ways concerning their health. So, enjoy your food, but in moderation. Let reason say "this is enough, let's stop now and we can have more later".

Well, this of course was Plato's original argument in the Republic but later he warned that we should disconnect ourselves from Appetite and the Spirited part, which I wrote a rather lengthy paper on back in college. If they are a part of our souls then they are a part of us. It is true that when we die we lose our body and therefore, perhaps, the appetitive part of our soul dies or becomes obsolete (depending on your religious views), but I still feel that our soul will remain intact because our souls are what make us who we are. They are our spark. I can't see the point in trying to deny that which is ourselves.

A Bedtime Story

There once was a beautiful tree sprout that was as lush and green as you could ever see. This sapling was the center of life and beauty, which naturally attracted other things in nature so that soon a forest had grown up around the her. She attracted the freshest air, the brightest sun, and the richest soil. However, as the forest grew around her they all started to need more and more of the sun, and just a bit more soil, and ever increasing amounts of air. It didn't matter at first. For something so beautiful and pure there was never any hate or jealousy, but soon it became too much. The trees and animals around her were stunting her and taking the nutrients that she needed. Soon they were taking parts of her. But she grew. The wonderful part is she still grew. By some miracle she was able to become a full tree with leaves like flower petals and a trunk so thick and solid it was as unbreakable as the ground she stood rooted in.

She was able to grow high above the other trees, high in to the clouds. And there she stayed away from those who would hurt her below. She occasionally met other, smaller trees who adored her for her strength and beauty. For these she showered love like nutrients and they grew too. Never to her height, never to the place of beauty where she rested, but higher.

The only sad part of this story comes with the ending, for there is no ending. This tree will live on as special as she can be, but in her place amongst the clouds it is hard to see the future. It is hard to see others in the clouds. And her leaves will droop and her trunk will shudder with sadness occasionally, but the sun will continue to shine brightly on her and for that there is hope.

Chaos vs. Control

"Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness" The Declaration of Independence guarantees me these rights as a United States citizen. I have the right to pursue happiness. This doesn't necessarily guarantee the actual achievement of being happy in my lifetime though. There should be small print added to the bottom that reads "may not produce desired results".

Life is like driving a winding road with blind turns. You can't see around the bends, so you can only follow the road one inch at a time. There are always improvements you can make on your car (what you go through life with), the driver (how you appear), and how you drive (your actions through life), but not much else can be changed/improved.

So considering all of this: my right to pursue happiness but no guarantee, my control of my life, which is extremely limited, and my desire to enjoy life as much as possible there really is only one course of action - live.

I shouldn't worry constantly about enjoying life or not....I should just do. Just because I'm alive doesn't mean I live. So to each day I say "come what may". I'm sure going to keep striving for that mythical balance between responsibility and flippancy, duty and fun, chaos and control. But now my life will be the journey of "me" instead of the "pursuit of happiness"....(no offense founding fathers.... :D)